No One Ever Factors in the Seme Boyfriend
by xMrsxNejixHyugax
Summary: Thanks to Lenalee and Lavi's 'Plan', Kanda thinks Allen is dead. Involves the following: make up smex, some dry heaving on a certain samurai's part, and some words of wisdom from Billy Mays.


"OH MY GAWD, OH. MY. GAWD! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" A hysterical Lavi ran, as if his life depended on it, through the HQ cafeteria. And judging by the way a seriously pissed off Kanda was demolishing the building after him, yeah. His life depended on it.

48 HOURS BEFORE

--

"Allen, I don't think-he never-" Lenalee burst into sobs.

The two were sitting on a stone bench at the Dark Order, and Lenalee was ranting on how Lavi would probably never notice her romantically. Again. Allen handed her his hankerchief - Lenalee paused in her grief-induced haze to take in that it was ironed and pressed, with the initals 'A.W' neatly stitched in- and she blew loudly into the cloth. Allen, not sure how else to comfort her, gave her a hug.

MISTAKE NUMBER ONE. Little did they know that there were installed cameras all over the halls of Headquarters, and a protective older brother with a giant robot replica of himself armed with missiles and guns was watching his little sister.

--

It was night when Komui and Komurin striked. The snowy-haired teen woke up to the loud, earthquake-like rumbling, and he probably should have taken it as a sign of impending doom. But as any prematurely white haired exorcist teen would do, he went back to sleep.

It was a minute later, when Allen opened his eyes again to find Komui's large supply of lasers and guns aimed at him, that he ran. Who cared about his adorable bunny pink pajamas or the fact that he put his hair in clips at night to combat flatness? "ALLEN WALKER. TIME TO DIE!!!" The Supervisor, clad in his beret, furiously fired giant bullets which the British teen thankfully dodged. By now, the fight had awoken Lenalee and Lavi who plodded outside before widening their eyes and grabbing Allen into the nearest room. After a few minutes of convincing, they had a plan.

BAM. Komui and Komurin turned at the sound, only to discover the target Allen Walker on the ground. Not twitching. Not breathing. They must have hit him with one of the many missiles they fired. Lavi and Lenalee ran out of the room, feigning hysterics.

"ALLEN! OH, MY DEAR FRIEND!"

"I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE FUN OF YOU EVER AGAIN!"

"NO, WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE SO YOUNG?"

The sobs and screaming drew a large crowd of exorcists who were in on the act. Except for one: Kanda. The group grew silent and Lavi hurried to explain the situation but the killing intent emanating from the samurai stopped him. "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The silence of the night was cut by the wailing of Komui as Kanda demolished Komurin into smithereens.

WHILE ALLEN IS IN AN UNCONSCIOUS I'M-HOLDING-MY-BREATH-FOR-GOD-KNOWS-HOW-LONG STATE:

'Huh?' thought Allen, floating. 'Where am I? Billy Mays?!' And indeed, his idol, the dead salesman, was floating in front of him.

'Son, some souls up in heaven have told me that you're quite the uh, house wife. You sew? Iron? Wipe? (Allen nodded to all three.) Well, reality's a every man can handle the dirty work you do. It's a tough, MANLY job.'

'Mr. Mays, my boyfriend got some-some stains onto my favorite apron the other day...stains from uh, intercourse. I need to know how to get them out.'

Yes. This is how Allen spent his time holding his breath. Believe it. A classic Q&A with his dead idol Billy Mays.

After Komurin was taken care of, Kanda carried the 'lifeless' Allen back to his room to grieve. Later, Kanda would blatantly deny the existenceof what the entire Dark Order dubbed the 'Mourning Stage'. The dark haired samurai locked himself in the room for 24 hours with the so-called dead Allen, sobbing, and 5 hours into the grieving period Allen breathed again. He could have held his breath longer, but he thought Kanda was about to commit seppuku and stopped. The older teen was, in fact, polishing Mugen over and over again, with tears dripping down his face.

"BEAN SPROUT!? YOU'RE ALIVE?!"

"Shh. Yeah, Kanda. I just pretended to be dead so Komui wouldn't actually kill me." Silence.

"But-you weren't breathing-"

"I hold the record for the longest breath held in the world. It came in handy when I had to hide underwater for a few weeks in Fiji."

Now the famous Kanda Yuu was turning purple.

FOR THE DURATION OF THE 24 HOURS

--

"That'll teach you to mess with me, punk" pants Kanda. Allen grins, stretching his super sore limbs. "Love you too, Kanda."

BACK TO PRESENT TIME

--

While Lavi was being chased by Kanda, Lenalee and Allen stood off to the side, watching, when a sudden revelation hit them: "What happens when Komui realizes Allen's alive?"


End file.
